By nature, I am nosy. I google everyone I've ever known or just met. I use internet white pages constantly and search for people through wedding registry sites (I discovered yet another exboyfriend that recently got hitched through wedding registry sites - makes me a little sad.)
I'm nosy. I can't help it.
Myspace is becoming a problem. Not only is my sleazy/addict exhusband on there with his whore/stripper/addict girlfriend, but I also saw a picture of an exfiance on there, posted on his wife's page.
Story behind exfiance... he and I also went to high school together, along with his wife (it's a small town, give me a break). She was obsessed with him in high school, but they never "officially" dated. He and I were together for two years, after high school. He called off the wedding, I called off the relationship. There was never any "official" closure as he moved in with his wife 3 weeks after he and I broke up. They got married 5 months later as she was carrying their child.
Since we all went to school together, her myspace page is listed on the school site and I wandered in there today. Sure enough, there's a picture of the exfiance on her site and he looks exactly the same.
I like to say that I don't regret anything but it's not true. I wish that we'd had some closure at the end instead of the drama that ensued. I wish I were a better relationship communicator. And I wish I knew what would have happened if he'd just been honest with me from the start instead of letting me believe we really were going to get married.
It comes in waves, this unsettled feeling. Am I where I'm supposed to be? I know going backwards is not even an option but am I going forward the right way? Am I heading towards something or just being? Will I receive a sign either way?
This pattern I've created in my past leads me to believe that marriage really isn't in the cards for me. Three engagements, one failed marriage... I'd be happy with one relationship that actually works out for the long term, marriage or no marriage.
I realize this post is a bit scattered but that's how I am when I write about this stuff. I'm happy not to be with jackass anymore but sad that just about everyone I know is happily linked with someone else but happy to be on my own and sad not to have anyone to share my life with right now. It's a convaluted catch-22.