In the past few months, I’ve done more soul searching than all of the great blues singers of our time put together. Priority reorganization, lists of pros and cons, hemming and hawing…. In the vein of Alanis, I realized there are a few people I forgot to thank for getting me to the place where I am today, right now, sitting here typing away.
Let’s start 12 years ago:
K: Thank you for being you. For being more of a prima donna throughout our relationship than I could ever aspire to. For pouting so often my own lip hurt. For choosing to dismantle “us” by taking up with anyone that catered to your whims. Oh, and thank you for crying when I broke up with you in your car… that was priceless.
R: Thank you for consuming mass quantities of steroids while we dated. At least I know it wasn’t me that forced you back into the pants of your ex-girlfriend. I appreciated calling you on the carpet for cheating on me – I learned a little bit about trusting my instincts. Thank you for being the biggest stereotype of a jerky athlete in love with his own persona.
C: Thank you for forcing your ideals on me so that my own true colors could emerge. Thank you for all the times I had to say no to you and you made me feel guilty about it. Thank you for giving me an ultimatum and then marrying the very next girl that you found after me… who also happened to share my first name and contradicted the very ideology you rejected me for. I especially enjoyed the phone call from you after your divorce.
C: Thank you for allowing me to endure your narcissistic cowardice for two years. I did not realize how much of the spotlight I took up until you came along to remind me and shoved me out of the way. Thank you for being much less than the greatness in your own mind. I am sorry that your dreams never flourished and that you had to settle for much much less (in more ways than one) – that’s what happens when your shield of invincibility suddenly disappears and you don’t use a condom.
E: Thank you for taking narcissism to the next level. If ever was there a Napoleon complex, it rises and sets in you. Thank you for your condescending nature toward everyone you ever came into contact with. Humility did not exist in your vocabulary and I am so glad to have it back in my life. Your zeal for projecting perfection on to the world, however, I do not miss.
C: Thank you for encapsulating the very essence of vanity. You are a caricature of yourself and referring to you as “Jackass” gives me nothing but pleasure. Your carnal existence is fruitless and I’m thankful to have escaped when I did. Your deceptive nature will rot your insides, as it did mine for that brief period. You are the culmination of so many awful things and I thank you, because I learned the most in the aftermath of what was our sad marriage.
Now, if you've been reading closely you will see a disturbing pattern in the littered path of my love life. Narcissism. Habitual cheating (all but one cheated). Scary, isn't it? To nail a pattern like that. I just wish I'd figured that out much earlier in the game.
But then I wouldn't be where I am today, right? ;) Figuring all this out, how my life needs to be in order for me to be happy. Well, I'm sure it'll be a while before I'm "happy." What really would make me happy are those sandwich boards. Or at the very least, a sticker that says "Hello, I am (Insert 'Vain', 'Insecure', 'Vile' Here). The screening process would be so much easier.
Right.
ugh, what jerks! But in the spirit of checks and balances, you are long overdue for a GOOD guy. And, in light of the past, when he comes along, he's going to be really good for you.
Posted by: Tiffany | July 08, 2006 at 02:35 PM
Oh my. So many new ideas for your summer fling box of goodies. ;o) How to fit one good human boy into shipping box... Hmmmm....
Posted by: Golden121 | July 08, 2006 at 06:14 PM