A Knitted Frenzy

&!%!#^@*

I've had it!  I need to completely rant about my life right now.  There's a war going on in my head, big enough that knitting socks, a baby blanket and surprise present won't cure at the moment.  And just because I am the way I am, I'm ranting in a list:

1.  &#!!*^$@! Divorce!
Yay!  I'm going to be 28 years old in 34 days and divorced 21 days after that!  Whoo hoo!  I've got more excess baggage than all the Louis Vuitton logoed cases in the world!  I'm damaged goods!  Whee!  Isn't this fun? 

No.  It's not.  Because every time I turn around there's some damned reference to a fucking "starter marriage."  What the hell is that?  I know what the definition is but that supposed to make a person feel any better about getting divorced?  No!  It completely dehumanizes the whole thing.  "Oops!  We made a mistake, let's just sign a few papers and go our separate ways. he he!" 

In five years (which is apparently the line not to cross if you don't want your "starter marriage" to become "a lifetime of pain and misery"), two people can rack up debt, assets, dogs, ties to inlaws, etc.  Even if you were only married for 1 year and 9 months, these things happen anyway.  And it's not as easy as just signing a few papers to make the whole thing go away.  Especially when the other person CHEATED!  I don't see any mention of infidelity in the "starter marriage" qualifications.  Oh no wait... there it is...  under "Disqualifications... see below... If you meet any disqualification, do not pass Go, or collect your $200 dollars (even if you paid 1/2 the mortgage to earn back that $200), go directly to the "A lifetime of pain and misery" category... Follow the instructions for a divorce full of trickery and revenge."

What there should be is a "quickie" divorce in California.  And the rule is if you were married less than five years, have no children and can turn off your emotions with the flip of a switch, then the waiting period should only be 30 days, not 6 months + 1 day.  Less time to play tricks on one another.  Less chance of having the divorce pass January 1, thereby making taxes hell for two filing periods.  And women could get their maiden names back faster.

Speaking of names, I LOATHE my married name with a passion greater than Fabio ever had for one of his romance schmomance cover girls.  LOATHE it.  Can't wait to get rid of it.  People have actually asked me "Oh! (surprise and a furrowed brow) You're changing your name back??"  Yah, marriage lasted all of 1 year and 9 months.  Not exactly a lifetime of attachment there, huh?  LOATHE it.  Despite the hassle of going to the Social Security office and then DMV and then changing my name on every single one of my bills and credit/debit cards... I would do that whole process 10 times to get my maiden name back, I hate my married name that much.

2.  At least you've got your health
I think I pissed my body off at some point or another.  It doesn't matter that I take a pre-natal multi-vitamin (no I'm not pregnant, pre-natal's have a better combo of nutrients), a calcium, and fruit & veggie compounds every day.  None of that matters to my body because I still manage to get sick on top of being sick.

My allergies have been giving me fits since Saturday.  Only I messed around for a few days trying to decide if I had a sinus infection or a cold.  Almost everyone I know has had something in the last month.  I could have easily have caught the flu again.  But what if it's the Avian Flu?  No, no, lol... I'd never be so lucky to catch something and die.

So on top of my sinus infection, a storm comes into town and I have the worst migraine I've ever had in my entire life. Ever.  I threw up three times (see post about my new hat) and I have only thrown up 6 times my entire life (and only one time was related to excessive drinking.)  I hate throwing up almost as much as I hate my married name.

But I digress...

My health is deteriorating.  And if I do catch the deadly flu, will you bring flowers to my grave because I know my cheating jackass of a soon-to-be ex-husband won't.  He'll be too busy screwing a worthless aging married-with-a-small-child, poor excuse of a woman.

But I digress...

3.  What noise? Oh that's just my head slamming into the cubicle wall
I don't want to talk about work right now.  Let's just say things could be better.

Okay.  I think I'm done ranting.  You know, I started this blog with the intent of actually talking about my knitting projects but I think ranting online, shouting out to cyber space to those that "know" and love me makes me feel better.  And it's cheaper than therapy.  Both ranting and knitting.  Just know that I really do knit, I love knitting and that someday I'll invite you all over to see my stash.  :)

Stick a feather in it!

I have a new hat.  It's rather large and cumbersome and fits like a vice grip.  But at least it matches my sweater.

My new hat woke me up out of a dead sleep last night at 1 a.m.  Heart pounding racing I dive for the Imitrex.  Down, go down!  More water.  Not enough.  It's stuck.  Damn triangular shaped pill!  Go back to bed, strip off clothes, throw back sheets, now I'm covered in cold sweats.  Where is this coming from?  Oh no, I'm nauseous.  I get nauseous but have never thrown up.  Till now.

No no no!  I hate throwing up!  I hate throwing up by myself.  I need someone here to hold my hair and put a cold compress on my forehead and tell me I'll be okay.  Because every other time (5 times total) that's what happened.  I'm a creature of habit!  I send ESP signals to J in case I have to call him to take me the ER.  I'm dying!  And he's a log in sleep.  He won't hear the phone.  Where's my comfort? 

Oh the comfort is the throbbing heaving pain has been flushed down the toilet.  Thank goodness I cleaned it yesterday.  I think it's safe to crawl back into bed.  I'm cold.  So what?  It's 4 in the morning and I have to be at work at 8.  Go to sleep.  Safe sound deep sleep. 

But in the morning, my new hat is still there.  Somewhat smaller in profile but still holding on strong.  Queasiness has settled in my stomach.  Eat?  I'm supposed to eat breakfast.  I'm terrified.  What if my new hat didn't cause me to throw up last night?  What if I have the flu?  Will I even keep anything down?

I can.  I slog to work, leave to go to the doctor early.  Doctor says I don't wear my new hat often enough to mandate daily meds, just a higher dosage of Imitrex.  And anti-nausea pills.  But I do have a fever and a high pulse, probably do have a virus but let's get that new hat put away first.

Escargo?

I love snail mail.  I love getting honest-to-goodness mail... not junk, not credit offers that I stuff inside their prepaid envelopes and mail back, not weekly coupons but letters, preferably handwritten.  Getting a letter from a friend or my grandma is a highlight of my life.

My oldest friend K (she lives in Germany) IM'd me yesterday and said she's mailing a little something to me!  Whee!  How fun.  I can't wait to see what it is.  A funny card?  A postcard from Germany?  She and I have never been much on exchanging gifts so I'm very excited to see what she's sending me.  :)

And I love to send mail.  Handwritten letters.  Yes, I know, save $$ and time by sending email.  Well, I do that too but there's nothing like a handwritten letter.  Someone took the time to sit down, gather their thoughts and put pen to paper.  They wrote out your address, licked the envelope and stamped it.  They made sure it was handed over to the post(wo)man for delivery.  And all that time they were thinking about you.  Thinking about what to say, how long it would take for the letter to arrive, and whether or not that letter brightens your day, thinking happy thoughts about you.

I'm off to send some snail mail now.  :)

Random Weekend Ramblings

Ya!  I have internet at home finally.  :D  I can now post on the weekends and after work instead of at work.  Whoo hoo!  This also means I'll have more reasons to sit on my butt and play on the 'net instead of, oh, say knitting??  Or getting fresh air?? 

Can I just say that knitting socks on US0 needles take forever to finish???  I am just now on the toe of sock #1 for J.  Sock #1!!!!!  I still have another one to go!  They're beautiful and I will post pics when I bring my camera cord home from the office.  I just can't believe they've taken this long to do.

Side note, I'm sick.  Well, I have allergies.  And they've given me a sore throat and achiness.  It's not technically a cold (because it's not contagious) but feels like a cold.  I have 8 episodes of CSI season 2 next to my DVD so I might just curl up, watch CSI and finish these blasted socks.  He'd better like them, that's all I have to say.

Props to B and our mutual affection for CAP for reminding me how much I love Uggs.  I know people think they're ugly but gosh darn it they are warm!  And comfy!  We were this close to wearing Uggs under our bridesmaids dresses at my brother's wedding (with lo-lo in her own pair) but someone xnayed it.  I had a pair of sand talls in high school (my very last Christmas present from the male half of my biological gene pool) and I wore them everywhere.  My mom has them tucked away in a closet somewhere. 

I'm off to set up the rest of my home office.  Yes, it's taken me almost 5 months to get my butt in gear.  I've had other things on my mind.

Inspiration a la Jen

Jen has inspired me to post a pic of my not-so-latest creation: Boogie.  I actually finished this last year but only had a chance to wear it a few times.  As long as I stay inside the office today, I should be fine (79 degrees today!)

I used Debbie Bliss Merino Chunky in Oyster, not the best color for me but for some reason I gravitated toward it.  With jeans and boots, it's just fine.

This was actually the first cable project I did.  I was so frustrated because DB's pattern's are not always the easiest to decipher and I spent many hours trying to figure out the cabling part.  When I finally pulled out my stitch and bitch book, I got it.  And then it was relatively quick to finish.  I might just do another one in charcoal gray and modify it for aran weight yarn since I have so much of it!

How time flies

Only 63 days to go, barring any complications.  I have this internal fear of life running amuck and I will be stuck with this blasted last name (and all it's nasty accoutrements) for a longer period of time than I have been hoping for.

Pray that it doesn't take longer than 63 days.

A little piece of my history

I found this photo in a box of family pictures.  I'd never seen this one before and I've been through the box several times.

My great-grandpa (my mom's mom's father) is on the far right of the photo and I cropped him so you could see him better.  Isn't he handsome?  He stood about 6'2" and had the bluest eyes.  My great-grandmother (not in the photo) was maybe 4'11".  Since he was born in 1902, I'm guessing this photo was taken in the early 20s.  Dapper is the only word I can think of to describe him.

I love old photos.  I'm hoping when I go to San Diego to help my grandma sort through her things to move up here, we'll find more old photos.  I'd love to have a framed collection of my family on my mother's side.

Saving

Why is it that I can save up my vacation hours at work, I can scrimp, save and argue with myself not to "spend" my vacation time because I'd really like to take a week or more off early next year but I can't save money at all?  I don't argue with myself to save, put away, let those dollars add up.  Why?  Why why why? 

Someday I'd like to own my own house.  I'd like to be debt free.  I'd like to have 3-6 months of savings in the bank that I don't touch unless it's an emergency, like all the experts say to do.

Why can't I do this?  I really want to save money.  What is wrong with me?  Can anyone help?  Any resources, tips, tricks, ideas?  Seriously.  I need help.

Several friends (cyber and otherwise) have mentioned (not "stressed" or "encouraged" or "beat me into submission and believing") but mentioned the importance of healing before becoming involved with someone new.  They mentioned the need to be on my own for while, be alone, rediscover myself, don't rush into anything...

Well, let me share with you how I broke the news to my mom that I was already! seeing someone a few months ago.

My marriage, as brief as it was, was lonely.  After making the realizations I made shortly after the wedding, I did a lot of thinking about "what ifs" and "what could have beens."  I made my own mistake of putting walls back up when I worked hard to bring them down.  That was me protecting myself after learning from the horse's mouth (or ass, if you will) that he was never going to change.  I made my peace with that and moved on as much as I could while still remaining faithful to my wedding vows.

While separated I did more thinking and decided I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to be happy and if that meant I might meet someone in the process, so be it. 

And then I met a great guy.  The timing wasn't ideal for everyone else but it happened.  And I work really hard not to bring all 17 pieces of luggage with me into this newness.  Nothing's being rushed, the pace is nice and slow for a change.  I like it.

I still have my few days here and there when I'm angry and mad at that jackass I married.  But then I get over it because I know something bigger and better is waiting for me.  Everything happens for a reason.  I really believe that.  All this pain and trouble I've experienced will be worth it someday. 

But I still wallow in sadness and grief sometimes.  And if I don't seem like your typical "cheated-on-soon-to-be-divorced" woman, well, all I can say is that I'm not typical.

Signs Signs Everywhere Signs

Okay, I'm slackin' a bit on the Pictures Part 2... but here are a couple more...

I love signs.  I took this one at Hearst Castle.  I'd like to blow it up in black and white and hang it in my hall bath that will soon be my Harlot Bath - red walls, dimmed lighting, you get the idea.

B & I saw this on our way home from the coast the weekend before last.  We couldn't believe it and had to take a photo.  We didn't call the number.  I think that might ruin the mystery of it.