2 for the Price of 1

Have you ever been in two different but somewhat similar moods at the same time?  My melancholiness carried over from the weekend (though that particular mood produced a lovely painting now hanging on my wall) and yet I feel content.

Now at one time, someone once said to me that "being content" is almost worse than being unhappy.  Now how can that be?  Even though I feel melancholy, nothing feels particularly out of sorts and I'm okay with most everything in my life.  I think if the melancholy would just go away, being content might be even better.  Almost happy.

Now... what brought on the melancholy?  Hmmm, maybe because my divorce papers haven't arrived yet and I'm stuck with this wretched last name that brings up even worse memories of him and yet worse thoughts of he and his whore.  Maybe because I'm spending yet another Friday night watching reruns and eating the last of the Ben & Jerry's.  Maybe because I saw my engagement ring the other day and actually missed it, missed having it on my finger (I sold it to a relative -- she's making it into something else -- soon I hope).

I'm not despondent, or in a state of despair.  Just blue, sad, down.  There's really no cure for it except for the knitting I'm working on.  Unending stockinette stitch.  It's repetitive, makes for great TV knitting and it's comforting.  That's where the contentedness comes in.

I'm really okay spending Friday watching reruns and eating ice cream because I can eat it right out of the container.  I can sleep late in the morning and not because someone kept me up all night snoring but because I can.  I can run around my house in a too small t-shirt, mismatched pj capris with 8 day old stubble on my legs, chipped toe nail polish and I don't have to worry about anyone saying anything disparaging about how I look.  I can let my books pile up on the coffee table and ignore the vacuuming for a day or two longer because there's no one to complain about the mess.

I'm okay with all this because I think I'm finally getting comfortable in my soon-to-be 30 skin.  Even though I still believe I need to lose 10 pounds but only because my wardrobe would open up to all those pants and skirts in the back of my closet not because I have someone harping on me to lose the weight.

I'm okay with all this because I firmly believe there is someone out there waiting in anticipation to be my significant other.  Me, the current Me.  Not the new-improved Me, the Me I-could-be if I did this-this-and-this.  But Me.  And my yarn.  And my furbabies.  It's a packaged deal.

So the melancholiness is temporary and I think that why I'm content at the same time.  The blueness is part of the roller coaster I already decided I was okay with months ago.

Now if only those divorce documents would show up!

Comments

[Nicole]

Very nicely put. I have been there, and in fact, I sorta am there now. It really is a roller coaster. And it is okay to feel melancholy, even a little sad, even though things around you are pretty okay. I am glad to hear that you are not being hard on yourself. You should post a pic of the painting.

[wenders]

I agree with Nicole - I've been there, too. I sort of like being meloncholy. I think differently, usually more reflectivly, and tend to learn a lot about myself during those moods.

And I've had several friends tell me they love being in their 30s. Things start to settle in, you know? Sounds like that's happening for both of us. :)

[Nicole]

oh yeah, PS, being in your thirties rocks. I turn 33 this Thursday and so far, I think being in my thirties has been fun. I mean, cept, for the that whole pesky "divorce" thing, but that had more to do with the douche bag I married than how old I was!

[Annie]

I'm sorry you've had a whorific time of it lately. I think content is good, though. There is nothing wrong with content.
And, when life hands you lemons, go ahead and make lemonade, but when life hands you a load of shit, don't make anything. Trust me on this.